Justify My Love was track number sixteen from the Immaculate Collection CD – “Poor is the man, whose pleasures depend, on the permission of another, love me, that’s right, love me.”
Zuriel graduated the following spring and moved back to New York. In the meantime, I had become a pseudo-celebrity at the Power Company. I had people telling me that they drove from miles around to watch me dance. I used to burn the dance floor entirely up back in those days. Everyone had the impression that I was high on drugs, but I never did drugs. I was just very uninhibited when I danced. Dancing was good therapy for me. At that point in my life, it was the ONLY thing that made me happy, besides sex. I had this one spot on the dance floor that was “my spot.” And, all the locals knew it. They knew they could always find me dancing in that one spot on the dance floor every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night.
Titus and I had finally put an end to our relationship. I was still having a hard time justifying why I had to separate my gay life from my family life, but I knew I could NEVER bring home a black partner.
Titus and I fought continuously. Looking back, I suppose the two of us were working out some personal issues with one another. No one could affect me like Titus. I loved him, but he made me angry at times, too.
I always thought it was the lack of support that caused a lot of problems in our relationship, but if I had to be honest, there was a lot of fear, anger, and resentment at the root of it all. Since my family never honored my lifestyle, and society and religion completely shunned it, I too found ways to dishonor it. I was proud of myself for having the guts to date outside my race, but I was never proud of how Titus and I treated one another.
Titus left North Carolina the first chance he got. He met a Diplomat during one of his many trips to Washington, DC, and moved to Germany soon afterward. I suppose this was a perfect thing for him to do. He had just completed his master’s degree from the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, in International Studies. I guess a large part of me was jealous that he could pick up and leave like that, but another part of me truly loved Titus in an exceptional, dysfunctional way. In the end, I knew that the separation was good for both of us.
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I wanna kiss you in Paris
I wanna hold your hand in Rome
I wanna run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
You put this in me
So now what, so now what?
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love
Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love
I want to know you
Not like that
I don’t wanna be your mother
I don’t wanna be your sister either
I just wanna be your lover
I wanna be your baby
Kiss me, that’s right, kiss me
Yearning, burning
For you to justify my love
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Talk to me — tell me your dreams
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories
I’m not afraid of who you are
We can fly!
Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that’s right, love me
I wanna be your baby
I’m open and ready
For you to justify my love
To justify my love
Wanting, to justify
Waiting, to justify my love
Praying, to justify
To justify my love
I’m open, to justify my love
