This Used To Be My Playground was released in 1992. – “This used to be my playground this used to be my childhood dream this used to be the place I run to whenever I was in need.”
It wasn’t long afterward that Madonna released “This Used to be My Playground.” It expressed how I felt every time I visited the home where I grew up. I cried before and after each visit. Sometimes I wanted to drive my car off the nearest bridge after leaving 1467 Morningside Drive.
That summer I was living in Chapel Hill and was dating a Clemson football player who was doing an internship in Raleigh. His name was Jason. It was just a summer love affair for both of us, but it helped us pass the time.
That was the same summer that I received a card from Thaddeus. He had written a very long poem about a songbird learning to fly. The envelope included my name and address, but my name wasn’t on the card. He and I had a falling out over a letter I wrote to him when I tried to express how I felt about him possibly giving me HIV. He didn’t like what I had to say, and he stopped communicating with me. I loved the poem a lot and was grateful that he made an effort to reach out.
In addition to dating Jason, I was also hanging out with my new friend, Samuel. Samuel was from Lumberton, North Carolina. He was a Lumbee Indian. Samuel was gay and had a tough time accepting his homosexuality. Sometimes, late at night, Samuel would knock on my door, and we would sit out on the front porch and talk for hours. A lot of our conversations were about our families. He no longer spoke to his father. He said that if his father ever found out he was gay, his father would kill him. Samuel meant that to be taken literally, his father would murder him.
One weekend during the fall of 1992 Samuel and I played phone tag with one another. We had a difficult time getting in touch the entire weekend. We were finally able to reach each other that Sunday night. He was calling me from his parent’s house, in his old bedroom in Lumberton. I didn’t understand why he had gone home on a Sunday night considering that he had to work in Chapel Hill on Monday morning. I didn’t question him. We talked about everything, but nothing in particular. Samuel seemed perfectly fine that night on the phone. We laughed and joked for several hours. We said our goodnights and hung up the phone around 1:00 AM.
That following Wednesday I went out for a beer, and as soon as I walked into a local bar, the owner grabbed me and took me to the back room. He said “Did you hear about Samuel? He killed himself Sunday night. He took an overdose. He was at his parent’s house!” I told him about our conversation. We both concluded that I must have been the last person Samuel talked to before he took his life. I didn’t know how to feel about that.
I understood why he took his life, but at the same time, I became angry that he gave up and stopped fighting in his search for love. After all, he deserved it just as much as anyone else on the planet. Thoughts of suicide were still a big part of my daily routine, but hope and faith always helped me get to the next moment, the next day.
It was at that point that I decided I was going to fight for my life. I sat down and started writing a story about Thaddeus and me, and falling in love with him. The story was also about my coming out, and the challenges of growing up gay in a predominately straight world. As I wrote the story I could feel Thaddeus’ presence. I wanted to call him, but I didn’t. I decided right then and there that the story would be my Christmas present to my family and my closest friends. It was my way of fighting back.
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This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
Don’t look back
Keep your head held high
Don’t ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You’re feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don’t hold on to the past
Well that’s too much to ask
No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there’s hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You’re not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]
Those are words I’ll never say [I’ll never say]
This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy
This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me
This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our great escape
This used to be the place we ran to
This used to be our secret hiding place
This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me
