The Power of Good-Bye was the tenth track from the Ray of Light CD. – “There’s nothing left to try There’s no place left to hide There’s no greater power Than the power of good-bye.”
My dreams continued to be very intense during this time in my life, and I continued to keep an open mind to what it all meant.
My mother was still living in the nursing home, and I continued to make my monthly trip to North Carolina to visit her. During our visits, we had several interesting conversations. I read books to her about life on the other side and the possibility of life after death. I shared this information with her to give her hope and offer comfort. Then I came up with an experiment for the two of us. I made her promise that when she passed away, she would make a point to let me know the moment it happened. Initially, when I mentioned this to her, she looked at me like I had lost my mind, so she just nodded as if to say, “Okay, whatever!” However, I knew that if anyone could keep in touch with me from the other side, it would be her.
December of 1999 rolled around, and I had written the last chapter of my diaries. Because of all of the healing that had taken place in my writings, I no longer felt the need to express myself that way. On December 31, 1999, I put my story in a time capsule and attempted to bury it near the Arlington Cemetery. My plans fell through, and I ended up sinking it in the Potomac River. Afterward, I laughed at myself for doing this. I could imagine someone discovering the time capsule sometime later and thinking, what the hell is this?
In working with Chuza, I was able to put a lot of things from my past, behind me. She even helped me get in touch with Thaddeus and told me that I was taking the first steps in finding real closure with him. She focused more on my own life and informed me that I had so much more to accomplish and experience. She then told me about some crucial transitions on the horizon.
In one of our readings, she explained to me that we all have the main area in which we learn our lessons. Some of us learn our lessons through career; others learn lessons through money, others through fame, poverty, or whatever, but my area of focus in this lifetime was “relationship.” It was my relationships with people that would be my greatest teacher in this lifetime. This message made perfect sense to me. In working with her, I began to understand why I was gay, why I had been born into my family, and why my mother had suffered so much.
Chuza told me that my mother had a tough time letting go of her life and they were doing everything they could (on the other side) to convince her to cross over. My mother was a very strong-willed, tenacious, and determined southern woman. I knew she wouldn’t go until she knew I could handle it, and meeting Chuza helped me prepare for her departure.
Chuza shared with me ways that I could help her make the transition, and I followed her instructions over the course of my next three visits, which would be the last. She told me that I had a special healing quality with my touch and all I had to do was hold my mother’s hand a certain way and this would help her let go. I remembered doing the same thing for my father during the last days of his life. He was in a coma. I went into his hospital room, held his hand, and told him to let go if he didn’t have the strength to fight any longer. At first, he resisted, and it was after I reassured him that we would take good care of our mother that he finally let go and crossed over.
I visited my mother in October, November, and the beginning of December 1999. I held her hand as instructed by Chuza and as soon as I did, I could see an instant change. I watched as my mother fell into a deep sleep; appearing to be completely unconscious. As I held her hand, I silently prayed for her to let go and cross over to the other side.
My mother’s brother died during the early part of December, and I decided to attend his funeral in North Carolina. During my visit, I stopped in to see my mother and let her know that I paid respects to her brother. That would be the last time I would see my mother alive. I had decided to stay in DC that Christmas to spend the holiday with Cyrus, and since I couldn’t take him home with me, we opted to spend Christmas together in our apartment. Christmas and New Year came and went, and on Sunday night, January 9th, 2000, something unusual took place.
I found myself in a state of depression that entire weekend. I wasn’t sure where my sadness was coming from, but I was depressed and knew I had to be alone. I asked Cyrus to sleep on the sofa. I told him that I just needed some space. I ended up crying myself to sleep the night of January 9th, and remember thinking “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I crying?” I thought I was losing my mind. I finally drifted off to sleep only to wake up at 1:23 on Monday morning, January 10. When I woke up, I sat straight up in bed and looked directly at the clock. I had never done that before. I then sprang out of bed and ran to the bathroom with an upset stomach. I quickly went back to bed and fell back to sleep almost immediately.
Cyrus and I always took the phone off the receiver before we went to sleep due to a lot of misdialed calls in the middle of the night. The next morning, after waking, I put the phone on the receiver and proceeded to prepare myself a bowl of cereal. As soon as I hung up the phone and walked away, the phone rang. Cyrus was standing beside the phone and answered it immediately. It was my sister-in-law, Lisa. She called to tell us that my mother had passed away in the middle of the night. She said that she had passed sometime between midnight and 2:00 AM. The nurses had checked in on her at midnight to find her sleeping peacefully, but when they came back at 2:00 AM, she had passed away, and they found her clinging to her bed rail. I remember waking up at 1:23 with an upset stomach. I realized at that point that my mother did indeed get in touch with me when she passed.
My mother had been in that nursing home for nine years, and for most of that time, she was completely bedridden. It was a complete blessing that she finally let go of her life and moved on to the next. She reunited with my father. Her death would teach me something significant about my spirituality over the next several years. I considered my mother to be one of my soul mates. I missed her instantly, but I understood the importance of her moving on.
My brothers and my sister were more connected to our father. I, on the other hand, was more attached to our mother. Regardless, learning to say goodbye to each of my parents was one of my life’s toughest lessons.
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Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it won’t be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus 2:
There’s nothing left to lose
There’s no more heart to bruise
There’s no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
