Paradise (Not For Me) was the sixteenth track from Madonna, The Confessions Tour DVD, released in January 2007. – “My life goes on, But not the same, Into your eyes, My face remains”
At 45 I guess I was still searching, but on the other hand, I was enjoying this new freedom that I was experiencing. I think being stuck in North Carolina all of those years made me appreciate this freedom and the ability to move around and explore different parts of the country. I knew one day I would settle down, but I still had more exploring to do.
Wrapping up 2006: On December 31, 2006, Dolos and I brought in our new year at a oneness ceremony, which focused on transformation, personal empowerment, and affecting global change. We wrote down the things we wanted to release from our past and 2006 and then placed them in the bowl. We then went into meditation and prayed for whatever comes to mind.
Through group consciousness, we put out various sounds and voice tones and then sent out our intentions for personal and global change, into the Universe. I heard prayers for peace, the end of homelessness, a healthier planet, the end of all wars, healthy trees, clarity for our government in Washington, DC, enough food for everyone, an end to AIDS, and the beginning of unconditional love everywhere. It was a perfect way to bring in 2007. A few days later Dolos and I would take a trip to North Carolina, where he would meet most of my family.
On January 11, 2007, we boarded The Empire Builder, a two-day train that took us from Portland, Oregon, to Chicago, Illinois. We traveled first class and had our very own sleeper compartment. This trip would be the first time that Dolos would travel on a train with his very own berth. We had a great time watching movies, playing board games, talking, and looking out at the scenery. And the night before we arrived in Chicago I was able to say that I made love on a train, crossing the country, for the very first time. (See lyrics to Justify My Love)
We spent the next three weeks visiting Chicago, my family in North Carolina, traveling to Cherokee, North Carolina, Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and Washington, DC. The highlights of our trip were seeing Blue Man Group in Chicago, visiting the Cherokee Indian Reservation in North Carolina and meeting a full-blooded Cherokee Indian named Tony, and attending an anti-war march in Washington, DC. During the Anti-War March, which took place on Saturday, January 27, we listened to the voices of Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and Jane Fonda, as we walked around the National Mall. There were hundreds of thousands of people marching and were very proud to be a part of such a positive event. We saw some fantastic signs, heard some incredible speeches, and listened to some cool music. The march was a surprise and made the trip to Washington, DC unique. I thought about the oneness ceremony that we attended on new years eve, and realized that somehow, we ended up manifesting this experience in DC without even trying. Out of all of the banners and signs, this one was my favorite. It felt great to know that there were thousands of people that wanted to make this world a better place. I wished that there were more.
We returned to North Carolina on Sunday, January 28. Madonna released her Confessions Tour DVD on Tuesday, January 30, and Dolos and I spent that evening watching the entire show on my sister’s new flat screen, surround sound home entertainment system. Hands down, this was, for me, the best live performance DVD in Madonna’s portfolio. The next day, January 31, Dolos flew back to Portland. Our trip to the east coast had been a considerable success. My family liked Dolos a lot, and it meant a lot to me that my family accepted him with open arms during his visit. At several points during our trip, it felt like they liked him more than they did me, and strangely enough, that made me smile. It was nice to see them connect with someone that I was dating.
While Dolos left on January 31st, I stayed until February 9. I wanted to spend some more time with my family because I knew I wouldn’t be back for quite a while. My return trip to Portland included a flight to Chicago, where I experienced some of the coldest days of the year, and a two-day train (the California Zephyr) from Chicago to Salt Lake City. This train trip took us through Omaha, Denver, and the Rocky Mountains. It was incredibly beautiful. Since Salt Lake City was on my list of cities to visit while living on the west coast, I decided to spend a couple of days there before flying back to Portland on Valentine’s Day, February 14. Salt Lake City had the most amazing surroundings that I’ve ever seen, but the city itself was a little too conservative for my taste. Without being too judgmental, religion seemed to have sucked all of the natural beauty out of the city’s surroundings and replaced it with sterile, oppressive energy. I couldn’t wait to get back to Portland.
Just four days after returning from my trip, Dolos and I met up with a friend of ours, Eris. I missed her while we were away. We spent the day at a local meeting space sharing stories of our trip and listening to things that she had experienced while we were away. Late that evening the three of us decided to grab a bite to eat, and it was at that point that I told her about what happened during Christmas, a couple of months earlier. I describe the event as my “Buddhist Christmas” and up until this moment, had not shared it with anyone except Dolos.
It was early December, and for the first time in probably fifteen years, I had the Christmas spirit. I put up a live tree, sent out Christmas cards, put lights on my balcony, the whole nine yards. While Dolos and I were shopping for decorations, we came across a display of Amaryllis bulbs. The moment I saw this display I thought of my mother. Growing up, my mother had a huge flowerpot of Amaryllis that she brought out of the utility room every spring. Within a few weeks, the Amaryllis were in full bloom, and neighbors from all around came to see them. These flowers always made me think of my mother, and so I decided to purchase one for the holidays. I brought it home, potted it, and sat it by the kitchen window.
The bulb sprouted within a few days. It grew so fast that it appeared as if it was in a race with time. Within a few weeks, the plant was about twenty-four inches tall, and the first bloom popped out about a week before Christmas. It was beautiful and was nice to have around during the Christmas holiday.
It was about a week before Christmas when I was sitting at my desk that I noticed something tiny crawl across one of the papers next to my computer. It was a small spider. She was the cutest little thing and was very friendly. I picked up the piece of paper, walked over to the blooming Amaryllis, and gently allowed the spider to climb from the piece of paper to the flower. It went without any hesitation.
Because I don’t usually like spiders, I decided that I would keep an eye on this spider every day. I wanted to make sure it was still someplace on the flower and nowhere near my bed. One by one, the Amaryllis developed new blooms, and with each new bloom, the spider crawled from the old bloom to the new one. It never left the flower. Every time Dolos came to visit he would look for the spider and every time, without fail, the spider would be sitting on one of the blooms.
The Amaryllis was still blooming on Christmas day, and the spider continued to sit on the flower very contently as if it was her home.
A couple of days after Christmas the last bloom was about to shrivel up and die, and I noticed that the spider was still sitting there, pretty as you please. Dolos was with me when we tried to remove the spider from the flower, and as we did, the spider fell to the floor. It had died along with the flower. It was kind of sad. After thinking about it for a few moments, a thought occurred to me. I turned to Dolos and said, “You know, Buddhists believe that after we die, we can come back as animals or insects. I wonder if my mother came back as this spider so she could spend Christmas with me.” I was fascinated by the possibility and amazed that the thought even crossed my mind.
As I told this story to Eris that night at the restaurant, I asked her if it was possible that my mother had come back as the spider so that she could spend Christmas with me. Eris was intuitive, and I respected her opinion on matters such as this. Before I had a chance to get those words out of my mouth, she began crying. The story reminded her of her father. Her response told me that I was spot on in my thinking.
Now, if the Buddhists, Native Americans, and metaphysicians are correct, and we can come back as an Eagle, a reptile, or an insect, then I genuinely believed in the spider concept. I’m certain of it. I was watching the Confessions Tour DVD, “Paradise (Not For Me)” in particular. At the beginning of the video, it shows flower peddles falling, and this made me think of the Amaryllis blooms, and then I listened closely to the words of the song. I thought about the spider and the possibility of my mother’s spirit on the other side trying to reach out to me through this song. “My life goes on But not the same, Into your eyes, My face remains. I’ve been so high, I’ve been so down, Up to the skies, Down to the ground, I was so blind, I could not see, Your paradise Is Not for me” When it came to the part, (Exactly at 1:23 on the Confessions DVD) “All around me, I could not see, Who are the angels, Surely not me, Once more again, I am broken, Once more again, I don’t believe it”
If the spider was my mother’s spirit, then perhaps the hummingbird that was visiting me every day on my balcony that winter, was the spirit of my father. After my father had his second stroke back in 1989, he used to sit on the back porch and stare out at the neighborhood. I purchased a hummingbird feeder and placed it by the porch so he would have something else to do. Every time a hummingbird would come to drink out of the feeder my father would say “Shhhhhh, be quiet! He’s back. Look! Look!” He was like a little child around hummingbirds. Hummingbirds made my father so happy back in those days, and I always thought of him every time I saw one. This hummingbird, which sat less than three yards from my desk, visited me daily for several months between November 2006, and the spring of 2007.
“My life goes on, but not the same.…”
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I can’t remember
When I was young
I can’t explain
If it was wrong
My life goes on
But not the same
Into your eyes
My face remains
I’ve been so high
I’ve been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground
I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise
Is not for me
I’ve been so high
I’ve been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground
Isaac’s Vocals (Interpreted)
All around me
I could not see
Who are the angels
Surely not me
Once more again
I am broken
Once more again
I don’t believe it
I’ve been so high
I’ve been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground
I can’t remember
When I was young
I can’t explain
If it was wrong
I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise
Is not for me
There is a light
Above my head
Into your eyes
My face remains
