Sorry (Remix) was the eleventh track from Madonna, The Confessions Tour DVD, released in January 2007. – “My life goes on, But not the same, Into your eyes, My face remains”
All of this made me think back to November of 1999, during one of my last visits with my mother when she was still alive. As I sat with her and held her hand while she was asleep, telepathically, I whispered into her mind telling her that it was okay for her to let go of her life on earth, that she no longer had to stick around if her primary objective was to stay to watch over me. I knew that was one of the reasons she was holding on for so long. I remember telling her that if she wanted to continue to watch over me, it would be a lot easier to do it from the other side, than from the bed she laid in for the last nine years of her life. I guess this was just my way of trying to get her to let go, so she and the rest of my family wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Within a couple of months, my mother passed on.
Ever since I was very young, I believed in spirit guides, teachers, and guardian angels. After experiencing the deaths of Lucas, Thaddeus, JT, and my parents, my belief in those types of things grew even stronger. I believed without any doubt whatsoever that life somehow continues once our body dies. The 1-2-3 messages, coupled with the experiences of the spider and the hummingbird, taught me that the love connection that I had with my parents before their death continued to manifest itself even after their death. The spider and the hummingbird were not substitutes for love, but confirmations of love.
By this time in my life it had been more than sixteen years since my father passed away, and almost seven years since my mother died. Even though I missed them both tremendously, I wasn’t the type of person to sit around and dream up ways to bring them back from the dead, so my experience with the spider and hummingbird made a huge impression on me. I felt truly enlightened.
Dolos and I spent the remaining part of the winter of 2007, and all of that spring, visiting various places throughout Oregon. Dolos also enrolled in an eighteen-month “Shamanic Practitioner” course, which helped him develop stronger healing practices. I decided not to participate in this class because I knew I wouldn’t be in Oregon for another year and a half.
One of our favorite trips that spring was aboard Amtrak’s Coast Starlight, which took us from Portland, over the Cascade mountains, into Klamath Falls, Oregon. That particular weekend we explored the Lava Beds National Monument in Northern California, the Tule Lake National Wildlife Refuge, and Petroglyph Point, which were all part of the Lava Beds monument. We spent the day exploring various lava tubes (caves) and meditating on high mountain cliffs. At the end of that day, a pair of bald eagles flew overhead as we were leaving to head back to Klamath Falls. That was an incredible sight for both of us.
The next day we took an hour and a half drive north of Klamath Falls, to Crater Lake, Oregon, where we attended a 90-minute snowshoe tour. Crater Lake was a place that I had always wanted to visit, so making this trip was a tremendous personal achievement. When we arrived, the park ranger told us that it was extremely rare to experience a clear day in March at Crater Lake. We were very grateful that it turned out to be such a beautiful, sunny day.
Other trips that spring included Bend, Oregon, and Smith Rock State Park. During the sunny weekends in May, we took hikes up into the Columbia River Gorge, where we found a sweet spot under a waterfall and did some very intense drumming. While Dolos meditated and sent out healing prayers for friends and family members, I played my new drum. The sound of the waterfall, coupled with the drum, created some fantastic sounds and incredible energy.
June 17, 2007, rolled around, which was the sixteenth anniversary of my father’s death, and coincidentally, Father’s Day. My father was the first thing I thought about that morning.
In addition to being the anniversary of my father’s death, it was also Gay Pride weekend in Portland. This particular Sunday morning just happened to be the morning of the gay pride parade. Even though the parade was only a few blocks from my apartment and very accessible, I had already decided that instead of attending the parade this year, I would take a drive out to the Columbia River Gorge for a day of sunning and meditation.
After Dolos left to visit his parents, I got myself together and headed down Broadway to pick up my rental car. As I walked down the street, I passed all of the people that had gathered to watch the parade. Everyone seemed to be in a great mood. The weather was perfect for a gay parade. The only thing missing was a rainbow in the sky.
As I walked past the stage announcer, I noticed two guys standing at the front of the stage, in the middle of the street. With Bibles in one hand and anti-gay posters in the other, they stood there shouting Bible verses as loud as their voices would allow. Wearing Jesus t-shirts and reciting scripture, they appeared as if they had been given some incredible, extraordinary power, directly from God himself, that allowed them to place judgment on everyone attending the parade. In their minds, they were doing everyone excellent service. Just as scripture began rolling off their tongues, the stage announcer cranked up the music as loud as it would go. The volume was so loud that it rattled the windows in Nordstrom, which was across the street from the stage. The loudspeakers drowned out the voices of the two men, and all I could see were their lips moving and the angry, frustrated looks on their faces. I thought to myself; Christ would never stand out in the middle of the street and do something like that. It just confirmed my belief that some Christians have become very anti-Christ.
As I continued walking down the street, leaving everyone to their “emotional addictions” I approached the car rental agency, which just happened to be right on the corner of Broadway and Pine street. As I checked in and waited for the agent to bring my car around, I noticed that the front of the parade was coming down the north end of Broadway. And again, at the very front of the parade were two men carrying huge, anti-gay posters containing the words “God Hates Fags!” Seeing so many anti-gay protesters made me angry, but I did a great job not allowing it to get to me. After all, it wasn’t long before the Dykes on Bikes came roaring by and the anti-gay protesters were forced to move over to the sidewalk. It was about that time that the agent brought my car around. I got in my rental car and drove out of town, leaving everyone to their confrontations, and festivities.
As I was driving I thought about the conflicts that took place between the anti-gay protesters and the parade participants. I guess it wasn’t the first time in my life that I had witnessed this type of behavior in people. This time, however, I was able to look at the situation and understand it from a different point of view. Thinking about that and the war in Iraq, and the other religious conflicts that took place all around the world every single day, on a much larger scale, and with much more dramatic results, I realized that the battle which was taking place was between the participants, their perception of God and their God’s desire for humanity. In reality, it was about the individual and their personal desire to project their shit onto the world. They used their God as a weapon to justify their own intentions to cause pain and chaos. I suspect most people feel if they have God on their side, their actions and motives are warranted. Regardless, I was sick and tired of people trying to project their version of God on me, and I no longer stood for it.
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Speak
Don’t say forgive me
Don’t say you’re sorry
I can’t take it anymore
Can’t take it
Can’t take it
Can’t take it
Can’t take it anymore
I’ve listened to all of your lies and your stories
and I can’t take it anymore.
Can’t take it
Can’t take it
Can’t take it anymore
Don’t say forgive me
I’ve heard it all before
Don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve seen it all before
I’ve heard it all before
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak
Don’t Talk
Don’t Speak……
