Like A Flower was written for the Ray of Light CD, and leaked onto the Internet around 2003. “You’ll always be a part of me What you love can never let you go, You’ll always be inside of me, Like a flower you grow.”
The idea of having a soul retrieval came to me after Dolos had one performed the previous September, back in Oregon. I thought about having mine performed in Oregon, but decided to wait until I arrived in North Carolina during the holidays. I wanted my soul retrieval to take place in North Carolina because most of my life’s most traumatic events had taken place there. I figured most of my soul parts were still there. As I began my search for a shamanic practitioner, I came across Dinah’s Web site and was pleased when I discovered that she was located only thirty minutes from where I grew up.
I contacted Dinah the first week I arrived in North Carolina and during our initial phone conversation, discovered that she had moved to North Carolina in 2004, from California. She informed me that she would have to consult her spirit guides and teachers as to whether or not she would be able to work with me. A few days later I received an email from her stating that everything looked good and that she was excited to have the opportunity to work together. She asked me to start working on my intention.
Dinah wrote: I would like to pose some ideas for you to sit with…In my belief system, while others may need your support, love, and assistance, they do not need your soul. You need your soul to do the excellent work you came here to do. I believe that having someone hang on to your soul parts, prevents that person from finishing their own business or doing the work they need to do in this lifetime.
In a non-spiritual comparison…You are always using your time to make sure that George’s checkbook is balanced and keep filling his bank if he is low. This drains you and keeps George from learning how to take care of his own money and to think wisely about how he spends his resources. It might be better to teach him how to take care of his money and also be a good example. This does not mean never loan or gift, it just means there are other solutions.
Maybe consider having it so that we get back your soul parts from those people who have hurt you throughout this and other lifetimes, while at the same time offering healing and help to those who have borrowed your soul parts. After they’ve received the healing and you’ve retrieved your soul parts, you can search for a new way to be helpful and supportive, without losing parts of your soul again.
On November 16, four days after returning from DC, Dinah and I set the intention for my soul retrieval. We scheduled our first soul retrieval session for Saturday, December 1, 2007, at 10:00 AM. To prepare, she asked me to do the following exercises:
- Continue my heart breathing, inviting my spirit guides (known or unknown) to come into my dreaming and help me prepare to receive the healing I was seeking.
- Keep a diary of my dreams, and
- Continue to clarify and sit with my intention. She added that I was to have no alcohol 24 hours before our first session.
A week before my soul retrieval, it finally occurred to me why North Carolina continued to have such a strong pull. Aside from needing to visit my friends and family from time to time, parts of my soul resided there. It was important for me during this visit to North Carolina, to find those soul parts that had been missing for so long.
Initially, I planned on Dolos holding space and attending my ceremony with me. That was no longer a possibility. I contacted my niece, Abigail (See Lucky Star) to see if she would hold space for me. After thinking about it, it made more sense for her to attend the ceremony with me, anyway. She responded with a definite “Yes!” Once that was firmed up, everything was in motion. I became full of anticipation as the first day of December quickly approached.
During the early morning of November 29, 2007, just a few days before my soul retrieval, I was visited by someone that I had not seen since November of 1969. It was my best friend from childhood, and his name was Lynn. He came to me in a dream where I was running through the woods, down by the creek where he and I used to play as children. As I was running through the woods, I looked behind me and discovered Lynn running right along with me. His face looked just like he did when we were kids.
Lynn and I grew up in the same neighborhood and became best friends in the first grade. We shared the same homeroom. We spent that school year as best friends. The following summer we spent most of our days playing in the woods, catching all sorts of animals, and filling our aquariums with crayfish, tadpoles, salamanders, or any other creatures we could find. We did everything together.
The next year we ended up in the same homeroom again, where we both developed a crush on the same girl. Her name was Salma. Nothing came between Lynn and me after this. On our way home from school, we would drop our books by the edge of the creek, take off our shoes and socks, roll up our pant legs and spend the next few hours turning over rocks and playing in the water. We would get in trouble when we got home, but it didn’t matter. We loved playing in the creek. Wherever you saw Lynn, I was always close behind.
By the time we reached the third grade, we were inseparable. And as destiny would have it, we ended up in the same homeroom for the third year in a row. By this time there was no stopping us. We seemed to get in trouble almost every single day. We got in trouble for doing things like talking in class, passing notes, or being disruptive when we became bored with the day’s lesson. I’m sure our homeroom teacher remembers us to this day.
On Friday, November 14, 1969, Lynn and I were asked to stay after school for talking. We were instructed to sit and write pages from the dictionary, starting with “A.” As we were copying the text from the dictionary, Lynn leaned over and told me that his parents had bought him a go-cart, and asked me if I wanted to come over on Saturday to take a spin. I said that my mother would never let me ride something like that, so I knew better than even to ask. We went back to copying the dictionary. After detention, we both walked home together, and I escorted him to his house and then continued to my house, which was just a short walk down the street.
The next morning I got up early to watch cartoons, and as I was sitting in the den watching television, the phone rang. Lynn’s mother called to say that Lynn had been in a go-cart accident and was in the hospital, in grave condition. Two days later Lynn died from a head concussion. My mother took me to the funeral home to see Lynn the night before his funeral, and as I peeked over the edge of the casket, I thought we had walked into the wrong room. The body lying there was not my best friend. There had been so much swelling from his injury, that his face was completely unrecognizable. I looked at him and said, “That’s not Lynn! It doesn’t even look like him.” My life changed forever when Lynn died. I was eight years old.
Months passed by and Lynn’s parents sold their house and moved across town. Lynn’s mother couldn’t bear the sight of me, because every time she saw me, she expected to see Lynn somewhere nearby.
Nine years passed and I graduated from high school. Shortly after graduation, I took a job with Harris-Teeter, which was a grocery store located on the side of town where Lynn’s parents lived. My job title was a bag boy/cashier. One day while I was the cashier on duty, Lynn’s parents walked in. I recognized them the moment they walked through the door, but I had changed so much that they didn’t recognize me at all. As it turned out, they came through my line that day. As I rang out their groceries, I gave no clues as to who I was. I wanted to tell them, so perhaps I could get a photo of Lynn, but I wasn’t sure how they would respond, so I didn’t say anything. I saw them a few more times before I moved on to my next job, and never once got up the nerve to reveal my identity.
Many more years passed by and I was at the gay bar where I met Thaddeus and ran into Lynn’s younger brother, Pete. I walked up to him and said, “I always knew you were gay!” and at that point told him who I was. We both laughed. We talked that evening, and I asked him if there was any way possible for him to get a photo of Lynn for me. I told him that the only image I had of Lynn was him lying in the casket, swollen and unrecognizable. I wanted to remember what he looked like when we were friends. He said that all of the photos of Lynn were put away in the attic and his name was never mentioned or brought up in any family conversations. It was as if he never existed. This information made me incredibly sad and very angry.
I think about Lynn now and then, especially when I visit my parent’s grave, which is only a few hundred feet from Lynn’s grave. Every once in a while I’ll stop by his grave to pay my respects, and reflect on our short time together.
I was extremely grateful that he decided to visit me in a dream just days before my soul retrieval.
As I prepared for my soul retrieval, I thought back on everything that had happened over the last few months. First, there was my sister’s apology, then the email from Thaddeus’ family, then my glimpse into a past life at the Taos Pueblo, and finally my dream reunion with Lynn. It felt as though everything was falling into place, just in time for my soul retrieval.
My soul retrieval took place on December 1, 2007, at 10:00 AM, with Dinah, Abigail, and our spirit guides and teachers in attendance. We had a fantastic two hours together. Collectively, we set the following intention:
“To retrieve those soul parts that I have released (stolen or given) out to various lovers, family members, and friends. I ask that those soul parts be gathered and reassembled within me. I am now able to manifest and perform those things I came here to do and create a stable and nurturing environment for my spiritual growth. At the same time, I would like to return those soul parts that I have borrowed from others and wish for them their highest and best.”
On December 18, 2007, two weeks after my first soul retrieval, Dinah and I completed my follow-up session, which was used to tie up any loose ends missed during the first session. Since my soul retrieval was so unique and sacred to me, I’ve decided to keep the rest of my soul retrieval private.
BACK | TOC | NEXT
There’s a hole in my heart
No one else can fill it
There’s a feeling I have
No one can replace
There’s a taste in my mouth
No one else can give me
There’s a song that I hear
No one can erase
[Pre-Chorus]
Why would I want them to?
I’m still looking back at you
Why would I want them to be you?
[Chorus]
You’ll always be a part of me
What you love can never let you go
You’ll always be inside of me
Like a flower you grow
[Verse 2]
There’s a strange melody
Sends me straight to heaven
There’s a voice in my head
No one else can hear
There’s a prayer that I say
Always brings me closer
To the presence of you
To always have you near
[Pre-Chorus]
No one can take your place
I’m still looking at your face
No one can take the place of you
[Chorus]
You’ll always be a part of me
What you love can never let you go
You’ll always be inside of me
Like a flower you grow
Like a flower you grow
[Pre-Chorus]
Why would I want them to?
I’m still looking back at you
Why would I want them to be you?
[Chorus]
You’ll always be a part of me
What you love can never let you go
You’ll always be inside of me
Like a flower you grow
You’ll always be a part of me
What you love can never let you go
You’ll always be inside of me
Like a flower you grow
Like a flower you grow
